Gillian Maple Greer. she’s the size of a mango and the length of a large naner. and i love mangos & naners. i’ve had a lot of difficult feelings throughout the first half of this pregnancy. feelings of despair & discontentedness. the double move while in the midst of it has only amplified many of my negative emotions & to be honest, everyday is a complete, agonizing struggle from early morning rise until i hit the sheets late at night. at which time my mind wanders and sleeplessness sets in. i stayed hidden away in bed for well over a month in the beginning, just trying to work through my feelings of sadness. it has absolutely been the most trying five months of my entire life and i’m feeling quite exhausted. if you don’t hear me ranting & raving about the pregnancy. . .or baked goods. . .or new knits lately. . .it’s because i haven’t wanted to. motherhood as a whole has never come easily for me. yet, it has been the largest part of my life since a very young age. although it has been a dramatic feat (sometimes triumphant, other times not), it has also brought endless amounts of value & joy to my existence. value that i feel immensely grateful for being able to hold. nick and i have been on the go. always on the go, since long before our Canadian wedding five years ago. five moves in five years. vacations. projects. kids. work. life. we always planned on having more children in the future. but the future came & i started to feel a little more old and a little less content at the thought of additional diapers, late-night feedings & years more of child-rearing.
remember when he yells out ‘but i was just about to be a grandfather!’ before passing out at the bookshelf in the physician’s office? only. . . .i was just about to be an empty-nester in nine years. . . .ready to traverse the globe by backpacking, gaining new experiences and culturalizing myself. because that’s what i love to do. anyway, i think we’re both just feeling a little worn down & in need of a wellness retreat. to recharge our batteries. i’m trying to stay present each day but am finding myself longing for many things. work-from-home fridays when nick & i had one full, extra day of opportunity to connect without the kids driving us mad with their nonstop chatter. i mean — i have to remind Eva to take breathing breaks & quiet time in between talking now. she can talk for hours + hours. both of the kids can. and while it’s sometimes adorable with the smaller of the two. . .i’m going bananas. i miss trips we have taken & the energy i used to feel before i felt drained. all of these thoughts deeply challenge mindfulness & being in the here and now. i’ve been feeling Gillian a lot more lately and her movements make me feel like i maybe have enough love left inside somewhere – love that could be given once she gets out into the world. and i do have twinges of hopefulness every now and again – thinking of what motherhood will be like all over, starting from the very beginning working alongside someone i have a deep love for & rooted connection with. that’s something i have lacked entirely in the past. change is good. and i’d like to think this change will be good. xxxx.
